“It is necessary ... for a man to go away by himself ... to sit on a rock ... and ask, 'Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?” -Carl Sandburg
And that's exactly what I'm doing but instead of being on a rock I'm nestled on a comfy couch alone at one of my fave coffee shops in town.
I just came back from one of the most exhilirating, life-challenging, gut-wrenching, terrifyingly beautiful experiences of my life that deserves careful reflection. I promise it's a good ending although you may be skeptical at first.
(For those of you that don't know, I spent the last half year in Australia for Bible training and India and Nepal for outreach.)
For the last few years, as much as I tried to look like I had it all together, underneath I reeked of insecurity, paranoia, anxiety, and sadness. I honestly prayed that God would let me die. I had a beautiful life but I didn't see it that way. After being dealt a painful hand of one tragedy after another I just resorted to a "living death." People were the enemy. They were a threat. I was disengaged, hopeless, and just plain sad. I had great people in my life but I couldn't appreciate them. My world revolved around figuring out how to simply survive each day. I ran to temporary happiness to try to soothe my aching heart. If I let people in, they just became a tool for receiving the affirmation my heart so desperately longed for but it was never enough. My heart screamed out, "I want to be fully known. I want to be truly loved. I want to be taken care of. I want to actually live."
So that was the condition I was in hopping on the plane headed to the land down under in name of doing Jesus' work. Don't get me wrong I went there with the right motives but I just didn't know who this Jesus actually was but I sure as heck wanted to find out. My time in Australia can be summed up in two words: openness and surrender. I was ready for this "loving and personal relationship with God" that I'd grown up hearing so much about and would do anything to get that. I give God the credit for getting me to that place.
Let's be honest, I hated the first month in Australia. I hated that I was in a beautiful place and I couldn't appreciate it. I hated that I was plagued by anxiety just walking down the street headed to the beach. I hated that their were amazing people that wanted to be my friend but I didn't know how to let them in. I hated that I was physically sick all the time and most of it I believe I spoke over myself. It seemed easier to always live in this hopeless, always sick, no-risk life. If I didn't put my hope in anything, at least I wouldn't be disappointed. I realized something was terribly wrong. I realized this is not living. This is death on earth. I would pray with anyone that would pray with me to get out of this "living death." I wanted to be free. But how does that happen? I live in a culture that says here's the quick three steps to freedom. Just do this and ba da bing you're free! God doesn't work like that I've come to find. So I resorted to looking into the Good Book and tried to see how the big Man actually does things. Funny that I tried to read all these other books about becoming a better me or finding out my strengths but rarely went to the source to see what the Author of my existence had to say. Well come to find out He says the only sacrifice He wants is a broken heart and spirit. Well I had that for sure. (In context, it means a humble heart and spirit). I was so ready for God to change me from the inside out..to actually enter into a deep relationship with Him whatever that meant.
Ok, ok. Terribly depressing, right? Well, yes it WAS! But I guess you have to take a look at where you've been to appreciate where you're at now.
The day everything changed there were no symphonies playing or fireworks going off, I was simply in a small living room and Taylor Swift songs were blasting from the neighbor's porch. I sat with my leader and shared defining moments in my life, joys, pains, people that have hurt me or I've hurt etc.. And I repented of everything the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I had done wrong, I forgave everyone who had hurt me, and I forgave myself. Then I asked the Holy Spirit to show me lies I had been believing as a result of my past and then asked for what the truth really was. And that was that. I wrote those truths down and say them everyday.
I found that the enemy is a sneaky one but he's not creative at all. He uses the same lies, the same past strugggles, the same manipulations to trip us up. God, the Creator of the Universe, is the creative one. Just take a look at the joy on a mother's face as she brings a child into the world or the colorful sky as the sun sets over the ocean and then we can see who really is the loving, creative One.
So from that place I was freed. My confidence was in the truth of who God said I am and I started to realize that I was able to actually start investing in people unselfishly even if it wasn't reciprocated because no longer did I need to them to wholly fill the deepest needs of my heart. God was filling them. People then became a blessing in my life that I could appreciate and invest in fully because my identity was rooted in Christ so even if I let them down or they let me down, I was ok. Because I knew I was fully loved and fully known by my Amazing Heavenly Father and Best Friend who is good and cared for every detail of my life, I could actually start living and loving.
That brings us to India. Oh India. When I hopped on the plane to India (after sitting in someone's puke..I wish I was kidding), I guess I had no idea what I was getting into. As much as I had been prepped on the basics of living in the third world I suppose the farthest I thought through was that I would have an interesting story to tell at the end of this. I wasn't really prayful about the outreach, I just knew I wanted to help people in my own strength. That got as far as the first night.
I had heard stories of India but when you're living there, things get real, real quick. Coming from my comfortable Western world, I was wrecked. I say the following things to give you context and at the time, I would have listed them because I was throwing a pity party but now I've come to see that these are the things that wrecked me for the better and make me appreciate everything I have. For me, a typical day in India included stepping in poop and the question was is it from an animal or human, I peed in a hole or a street corner sometimes, I poured lukewarm dirty water over me just to cool down enough to sleep through the 100-120 degree temps, no A/C, and fans that went off when the power cuts every few hours. If I could sleep after that, I was often awakened by fireworks going off from a Hindu ceremony or a swarm of mosquitos attacking me and causing anxiety that I would get malaria. I wore the same clothes almost everyday, clothes I didn't like and I ate the same food for every meal. I analyzed my every move because most of how I was used to acting or dressing was offensive in this new culture. I was simply trying to survive. But once I got over all the conditions, then I could start to actually enjoy my time. Easier said than done. I spent about a month hating everything.
I came from such a spiritual high with all the new things I learned in Australia but it seemed that God left me once I got to India. I was doing ministry out of duty. Oh I could share the Gospel and give you a compelling sermon without my heart being invested in it one bit. I knew how to put on the show. But I was tired of doing that. I had lived my whole life doing that. I knew God didn't bring me to India just to put on a show of all the Biblical content I knew.
So I approached the staff and said I didn't want to preach for a few days because my heart just wasn't engaged. I was wondering, where the heck are you, God? Did you bring me out here just to suffer? And after a tearful, more like sobbing-frustrated-venting dialogue with my leader, I simply prayed that God would give me a heart for the people. Then I had to repent, a pretty often thing if you're actually gonna do this Christian thing. And just like He promised, God showed up. He reminded me of those very words of His Gospel that I had half-heartedly shared in the weeks past. And despite not wanting to preach, God gave me a heart for His people and at that point it didn't matter if I liked public speaking or not, I had a burden now to share God's truth with people who had never even heard of Jesus and what He did for them on the cross. As I preached in a goats' pen with people scattered throughout, 5 women came to Christ that night. I started to realize this thing isn't about me being comfortable but it's about life or death and where these people will spend eternity.
A few days goes by and after some friends lovingly kicking me around telling me to suck it up, I chose to be postive about the conditions I was living in and no matter how hard it was I chose not have a pity party or complain. Besides, we still had it way better than most the locals. I had come to the end of myself. I wasn't strong enough but God was. Not only did I start to see He really was more than enough for me, He was starting to show me He was actually real and on the move. I mean I was seeing healing after healing, salvation after salvation yet choosing just to skim over it like it was no big deal.
And then things got real..like real, real. At a typical Bible study we did for some families in a slum, a lady casually asked for prayer for her friend because she was possessed by a snake demon. That's normal, right? Not! So we started praying and since demons want nothing to do with Jesus, it started acting out and this lady possessed by the demon starts slithering around like a snake on the ground throwing punches at us. After a crazy prayer sesh, we casted that thing out in the name of Jesus and it was gone. She sat up perfectly normal and served us coffee. Woah, prayer just got real. You start to realize it's not just words you say but completely crucial to this lady's life and freedom.
Then we head to Varanasi, the holiest city in India where they burn dead bodies right in front of you and put them in the river believing they will skip reincarnation and go straight to heaven. As I'm sitting 5 feet from a freshly dead body being burned, limbs getting flipped around by the lowest caste of citizens, I had this vision of droves of people walking blindly straight into the pit of hell. Not only would they burn for a few hours here on earth, they would suffer and burn the rest of eternity. I had to do something about it. Who cares about my comfort anymore. I realized I have to spend the rest of my life telling people this simple truth that God created them and adored them, that He had a plan for their life, and they could be loved and known just like I was starting to learn in my own life.
But the enemy, oh he's never far. Start doing something for the kingdom of God and you're gonna hit a little..no a lotta resistance. If you feel pretty comfortable and not attacked by the enemy start to take a good look at how you're living your life and be quick to repent and run back to God. A life with God is uncomfortable yet worth every surrendered comfort. He's better, I promise. I digress.
The enemy wasn't far in Varanasi, a place where the devil's stronghold is very strong but nothing our God can't knock down if we, His people would pray. Remember He said "if my people who are called by my name" (that's us Christians) "would humble themselves and pray and turn from the stupid things they run to besides me, I would heal their land." (2 Chron. 7:14) Ok that's my paraphrased version of it. God clearly states if we would would pray He would heal places like Varanasi, a place where Christian missionaries shy away from, no more like sprint away from because you can physically feel the spiritually darkness in this city. Sure it's really hard but who came up with the idea that things are supposed to be easy? I'm preaching to myself here because I so often run from what God is calling me to do. Hopefully, you're still with me.
Every day of India was challenging for me..Nepal got a wee bit easier probably because the weather was cooler but nonetheless, I wouldn't want to have missed a single moment on outreach. God completely wrecked me. And now I can look back and say I fell in love with India and Nepal. I absolutely am blown away by their amazing culture so rich with history, but mostly because the people are simply wonderful. They live with nearly nothing compared to our Western culture yet I've never met people so generous and content. The Indian Christians we met were so full of life and genuine joy and while at the time I thought I was having a hard time I could literally see myself growing and changing at a rapid pace and for the first time in my life I was full of genuine joy. There was freedom in not having to worry about what I looked like or what people thought of me. My full time job was simply getting to do life with people and sharing Jesus' love with them. What an honor!
Being back home in America is definitely challenging. My priorities are different. The way I look at life is different. Of course, the enemy still isn't far away and tries to attack me seems like on a moment-by-moment basis but I'm free. I am so free. Jesus is my best friend and I get to do life with Him everyday. I'm continually praying about what living on mission is supposed to look like living back here in America but God is showing me that day by day. Sure there were some crazy stories I had from being in the third world but you better believe that the enemy is at work here in America too. We worship comfort. We worship status. We worship money. Oh God, forgive us and heal our land.
Although we definitely overcomplicate it, life is actually pretty simple. Love God. Love people. I didn't say that was an easy task. That's why God says to renew your mind daily! I fall short of this quite often but it's His amazing love and grace that makes me realize I want to do that. I want to know Him more. He really did mean it when He said, "the fear (being in awe) of the Lord leads to life, then one rests content." (Prov 19:23)
It's been a great year. Please pray for India and Nepal. Ok I'm finished. Comments?
And that's exactly what I'm doing but instead of being on a rock I'm nestled on a comfy couch alone at one of my fave coffee shops in town.
I just came back from one of the most exhilirating, life-challenging, gut-wrenching, terrifyingly beautiful experiences of my life that deserves careful reflection. I promise it's a good ending although you may be skeptical at first.
(For those of you that don't know, I spent the last half year in Australia for Bible training and India and Nepal for outreach.)
For the last few years, as much as I tried to look like I had it all together, underneath I reeked of insecurity, paranoia, anxiety, and sadness. I honestly prayed that God would let me die. I had a beautiful life but I didn't see it that way. After being dealt a painful hand of one tragedy after another I just resorted to a "living death." People were the enemy. They were a threat. I was disengaged, hopeless, and just plain sad. I had great people in my life but I couldn't appreciate them. My world revolved around figuring out how to simply survive each day. I ran to temporary happiness to try to soothe my aching heart. If I let people in, they just became a tool for receiving the affirmation my heart so desperately longed for but it was never enough. My heart screamed out, "I want to be fully known. I want to be truly loved. I want to be taken care of. I want to actually live."
So that was the condition I was in hopping on the plane headed to the land down under in name of doing Jesus' work. Don't get me wrong I went there with the right motives but I just didn't know who this Jesus actually was but I sure as heck wanted to find out. My time in Australia can be summed up in two words: openness and surrender. I was ready for this "loving and personal relationship with God" that I'd grown up hearing so much about and would do anything to get that. I give God the credit for getting me to that place.
Let's be honest, I hated the first month in Australia. I hated that I was in a beautiful place and I couldn't appreciate it. I hated that I was plagued by anxiety just walking down the street headed to the beach. I hated that their were amazing people that wanted to be my friend but I didn't know how to let them in. I hated that I was physically sick all the time and most of it I believe I spoke over myself. It seemed easier to always live in this hopeless, always sick, no-risk life. If I didn't put my hope in anything, at least I wouldn't be disappointed. I realized something was terribly wrong. I realized this is not living. This is death on earth. I would pray with anyone that would pray with me to get out of this "living death." I wanted to be free. But how does that happen? I live in a culture that says here's the quick three steps to freedom. Just do this and ba da bing you're free! God doesn't work like that I've come to find. So I resorted to looking into the Good Book and tried to see how the big Man actually does things. Funny that I tried to read all these other books about becoming a better me or finding out my strengths but rarely went to the source to see what the Author of my existence had to say. Well come to find out He says the only sacrifice He wants is a broken heart and spirit. Well I had that for sure. (In context, it means a humble heart and spirit). I was so ready for God to change me from the inside out..to actually enter into a deep relationship with Him whatever that meant.
Ok, ok. Terribly depressing, right? Well, yes it WAS! But I guess you have to take a look at where you've been to appreciate where you're at now.
The day everything changed there were no symphonies playing or fireworks going off, I was simply in a small living room and Taylor Swift songs were blasting from the neighbor's porch. I sat with my leader and shared defining moments in my life, joys, pains, people that have hurt me or I've hurt etc.. And I repented of everything the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I had done wrong, I forgave everyone who had hurt me, and I forgave myself. Then I asked the Holy Spirit to show me lies I had been believing as a result of my past and then asked for what the truth really was. And that was that. I wrote those truths down and say them everyday.
I found that the enemy is a sneaky one but he's not creative at all. He uses the same lies, the same past strugggles, the same manipulations to trip us up. God, the Creator of the Universe, is the creative one. Just take a look at the joy on a mother's face as she brings a child into the world or the colorful sky as the sun sets over the ocean and then we can see who really is the loving, creative One.
So from that place I was freed. My confidence was in the truth of who God said I am and I started to realize that I was able to actually start investing in people unselfishly even if it wasn't reciprocated because no longer did I need to them to wholly fill the deepest needs of my heart. God was filling them. People then became a blessing in my life that I could appreciate and invest in fully because my identity was rooted in Christ so even if I let them down or they let me down, I was ok. Because I knew I was fully loved and fully known by my Amazing Heavenly Father and Best Friend who is good and cared for every detail of my life, I could actually start living and loving.
That brings us to India. Oh India. When I hopped on the plane to India (after sitting in someone's puke..I wish I was kidding), I guess I had no idea what I was getting into. As much as I had been prepped on the basics of living in the third world I suppose the farthest I thought through was that I would have an interesting story to tell at the end of this. I wasn't really prayful about the outreach, I just knew I wanted to help people in my own strength. That got as far as the first night.
I had heard stories of India but when you're living there, things get real, real quick. Coming from my comfortable Western world, I was wrecked. I say the following things to give you context and at the time, I would have listed them because I was throwing a pity party but now I've come to see that these are the things that wrecked me for the better and make me appreciate everything I have. For me, a typical day in India included stepping in poop and the question was is it from an animal or human, I peed in a hole or a street corner sometimes, I poured lukewarm dirty water over me just to cool down enough to sleep through the 100-120 degree temps, no A/C, and fans that went off when the power cuts every few hours. If I could sleep after that, I was often awakened by fireworks going off from a Hindu ceremony or a swarm of mosquitos attacking me and causing anxiety that I would get malaria. I wore the same clothes almost everyday, clothes I didn't like and I ate the same food for every meal. I analyzed my every move because most of how I was used to acting or dressing was offensive in this new culture. I was simply trying to survive. But once I got over all the conditions, then I could start to actually enjoy my time. Easier said than done. I spent about a month hating everything.
I came from such a spiritual high with all the new things I learned in Australia but it seemed that God left me once I got to India. I was doing ministry out of duty. Oh I could share the Gospel and give you a compelling sermon without my heart being invested in it one bit. I knew how to put on the show. But I was tired of doing that. I had lived my whole life doing that. I knew God didn't bring me to India just to put on a show of all the Biblical content I knew.
So I approached the staff and said I didn't want to preach for a few days because my heart just wasn't engaged. I was wondering, where the heck are you, God? Did you bring me out here just to suffer? And after a tearful, more like sobbing-frustrated-venting dialogue with my leader, I simply prayed that God would give me a heart for the people. Then I had to repent, a pretty often thing if you're actually gonna do this Christian thing. And just like He promised, God showed up. He reminded me of those very words of His Gospel that I had half-heartedly shared in the weeks past. And despite not wanting to preach, God gave me a heart for His people and at that point it didn't matter if I liked public speaking or not, I had a burden now to share God's truth with people who had never even heard of Jesus and what He did for them on the cross. As I preached in a goats' pen with people scattered throughout, 5 women came to Christ that night. I started to realize this thing isn't about me being comfortable but it's about life or death and where these people will spend eternity.
A few days goes by and after some friends lovingly kicking me around telling me to suck it up, I chose to be postive about the conditions I was living in and no matter how hard it was I chose not have a pity party or complain. Besides, we still had it way better than most the locals. I had come to the end of myself. I wasn't strong enough but God was. Not only did I start to see He really was more than enough for me, He was starting to show me He was actually real and on the move. I mean I was seeing healing after healing, salvation after salvation yet choosing just to skim over it like it was no big deal.
And then things got real..like real, real. At a typical Bible study we did for some families in a slum, a lady casually asked for prayer for her friend because she was possessed by a snake demon. That's normal, right? Not! So we started praying and since demons want nothing to do with Jesus, it started acting out and this lady possessed by the demon starts slithering around like a snake on the ground throwing punches at us. After a crazy prayer sesh, we casted that thing out in the name of Jesus and it was gone. She sat up perfectly normal and served us coffee. Woah, prayer just got real. You start to realize it's not just words you say but completely crucial to this lady's life and freedom.
Then we head to Varanasi, the holiest city in India where they burn dead bodies right in front of you and put them in the river believing they will skip reincarnation and go straight to heaven. As I'm sitting 5 feet from a freshly dead body being burned, limbs getting flipped around by the lowest caste of citizens, I had this vision of droves of people walking blindly straight into the pit of hell. Not only would they burn for a few hours here on earth, they would suffer and burn the rest of eternity. I had to do something about it. Who cares about my comfort anymore. I realized I have to spend the rest of my life telling people this simple truth that God created them and adored them, that He had a plan for their life, and they could be loved and known just like I was starting to learn in my own life.
But the enemy, oh he's never far. Start doing something for the kingdom of God and you're gonna hit a little..no a lotta resistance. If you feel pretty comfortable and not attacked by the enemy start to take a good look at how you're living your life and be quick to repent and run back to God. A life with God is uncomfortable yet worth every surrendered comfort. He's better, I promise. I digress.
The enemy wasn't far in Varanasi, a place where the devil's stronghold is very strong but nothing our God can't knock down if we, His people would pray. Remember He said "if my people who are called by my name" (that's us Christians) "would humble themselves and pray and turn from the stupid things they run to besides me, I would heal their land." (2 Chron. 7:14) Ok that's my paraphrased version of it. God clearly states if we would would pray He would heal places like Varanasi, a place where Christian missionaries shy away from, no more like sprint away from because you can physically feel the spiritually darkness in this city. Sure it's really hard but who came up with the idea that things are supposed to be easy? I'm preaching to myself here because I so often run from what God is calling me to do. Hopefully, you're still with me.
Every day of India was challenging for me..Nepal got a wee bit easier probably because the weather was cooler but nonetheless, I wouldn't want to have missed a single moment on outreach. God completely wrecked me. And now I can look back and say I fell in love with India and Nepal. I absolutely am blown away by their amazing culture so rich with history, but mostly because the people are simply wonderful. They live with nearly nothing compared to our Western culture yet I've never met people so generous and content. The Indian Christians we met were so full of life and genuine joy and while at the time I thought I was having a hard time I could literally see myself growing and changing at a rapid pace and for the first time in my life I was full of genuine joy. There was freedom in not having to worry about what I looked like or what people thought of me. My full time job was simply getting to do life with people and sharing Jesus' love with them. What an honor!
Being back home in America is definitely challenging. My priorities are different. The way I look at life is different. Of course, the enemy still isn't far away and tries to attack me seems like on a moment-by-moment basis but I'm free. I am so free. Jesus is my best friend and I get to do life with Him everyday. I'm continually praying about what living on mission is supposed to look like living back here in America but God is showing me that day by day. Sure there were some crazy stories I had from being in the third world but you better believe that the enemy is at work here in America too. We worship comfort. We worship status. We worship money. Oh God, forgive us and heal our land.
Although we definitely overcomplicate it, life is actually pretty simple. Love God. Love people. I didn't say that was an easy task. That's why God says to renew your mind daily! I fall short of this quite often but it's His amazing love and grace that makes me realize I want to do that. I want to know Him more. He really did mean it when He said, "the fear (being in awe) of the Lord leads to life, then one rests content." (Prov 19:23)
It's been a great year. Please pray for India and Nepal. Ok I'm finished. Comments?
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